wishing I was someone else...

I find myself at times, even for seasons sometimes, wishing I was someone else.  Not wishing I was ACTUALLY another person.  But wishing different parts of Jesus would be more profound in me.  So, I LOVE and value when I get to be around people who are quiet and thoughtful..who always think before they speak and choose their words with incredible wisdom and intention.  I love being around people who have an incredibly tender presence about them.  A quieted soul if you will.  If I am honest, thats just not me.  At least not most of the time.  I wish I was more like that.  I could stand to be a lot more like that.

Heres the truth...I am messy and I am random. I dont know if anyone has ever described me as quiet.  I'm passionate.  I speak with passion.  I mean, I will be the first to tell you how a great song or a delicious meal will "change your life".  I feel deeply.  I get VERY excited about things and feel VERY strongly about things that have to do with justice.  I LOVE talking it out with people and rolling around in deep, passionate discussions.  Its just who I am.  I have some very rough edges and VERY sadly sometimes those rough edges make me not so easy to deal with.  Thats just the ugly truth.

God did a great thing when he had me fall in love with and marry a man who is nothing like me.  He is SO thoughtful and quiet and doesn't feel the need for everyone in the room to know exactly where he stands on an issue.  He is passionate and feels deeply....but sometimes, I have to tell him to "tell his face" cuz Im just not sure.  In constrast, Ill just say he has never wondered what I feel or how strongly I feel it.

So there's all that...and all that has had me thinking lately.  I know the right answer...and I know its truth.  So I believe it.  That God adores me just as I am.  That He, in fact, created me for a purpose so I should embrace the passion.  I mean, most of the time, we knew EXACTLY where Jesus stood, right?  See, I am just trying to be like Jesus.

Okay, back to reality...and the reality is this.  I need to be more thoughtful.  I need to calm down for the love of goodness.  I need to because I need to leave room for God to speak first.  There!  Thats IT!  Thats the issue with my wiring.  Sometimes, if I am honest, I think I know what God would say so I just go ahead and say it.  Cuz, gosh dang it, it sounds JUST like Him.  BUT the truth is that God has  a fresh word every day.  The truth is, I need to measure my words in all circumstances...even when I am casting a vision or encouraging someone.  I need to measure my words in those instances too.  Because at the core of me I really KNOW that I have nothing to offer people that comes close to a direct, fresh word from The Living God.

You see, a lot people I love are hurting and sick.  A lot of people I love are Orphans and are poor.  Lots of people I know are single parents...knocking it out of the park. A lot of people need prayer, need practical help...like NOW!  So I get ON IT.  I organize and I pray and I rally.  Cuz I wanna say something or do something so desperately that will HELP...I mean really ease their suffering.  But my passion alone never changed one single thing.  When I am allowing my passion to come from God alone, I know its different.  It changes realities and perspectives!  The truth is this though,

When someone is celebrating, God has something to say about that...
When someone is overjoyed, God has something to say...
When someone is last, and broken, God has something....
When someone is grieving, God....

I dont want to offer people my passion, I want to offer HIS love.
I dont want to offer people my words, I want to point them to His.  To the text that is alive and breathing and is filled with REAL hope yall!
I dont want to offer people time with me, I want to see people changed by time with The Holy Spirit who is at work!
And most of all, I dont want someone to EVER walk away from hearing my speak or tell a story and think I am awesome.  Because I am a selfish, mess.  I want people to walk away from time with me and desire, at their very core, to spend time with Jesus.

A woman named Fanny Crosby wrote the words to one of my favorite songs "Take the World, but Give Me Jesus".  She was blind.  She said this,

"If I had a choice, I would still choose to re­main blind…for when I die, the first face I will ev­er see will be the face of my bless­ed Sav­iour."

I mean for the love of goodness...is that beautiful or what.  Instead of going on about how beautiful it is.  Ill just say this.  That sums up what I feel like God is showing me as I wrestle with sometimes wishing I was more of a "quiet soul".  Yes, God made me who I am.  Im good with it.  It is what it is...and God in His mercy will use me if I am willing...and I am.  So lets move on.  

But, it is also good that I watch out that I am not casting anyones view upon myself, or my cause, or that I leave them with my many words...but rather that I am casting their vision to one place...to my blessed Saviour!

Here is the deal...I love to write.  Ask my family...since I could, I have been writing.  Its inspiring (to me), cathartic, encouraging, and lots of other stuff. And last night my husband said...you should start writing again...just start.

I have been wanting to write this for a long time.  To take my thoughts and Gods stories in my life from my head to my heart to this page.

But, see I have this all too familiar perfectionist thing,

"I wanna do it right like this girl or that girl".  Yes, I can be insecure.

"How do I start when some people wont know or get me or what I am talking about because they dont know 'the whole story' ".   Yes, I over think sometimes and its paralyzing.

I wanna make this really cute, inspiring, funny, full storied picture before I begin writing.  But wanting to do that has felt daunting...how do I sum up my journey from the last...oh 15 years or so (of my 34) in a really "whimsical", "inspired" way that will give readers a real picture of who we are.  Of who I am.  I can't.  So I am not gonna try.  I am just gonna start writing and my story, the story of my journey and the realization that I am a daughter of the King of Kings, and what that really means will unfold in my ramblings.  You will meet my people as they come up...they are awesome people that cannot be contained in a summary.  :)

so..here is who I am to the world:

I am a daughter - to a Mom who passed away when I was 20 from cancer.  To a Dad who lives in a different state and doesnt know me or my children.  He has chosen to not be a part of my life for the last 6 years.  The years before were sometimes rocky, sometimes fun, and very shaping.  I try to not throw out the good with the hard...there was a lot of hard.  My parents were married until my Mom died.  I love my Mom and Dad very much.

I am a sister - I have 2 of them and they are pretty awesome.  They love me and I love them and they are the only family my little family knows.  Its sweet!

I am a wife - this is one of my favorites.  I dont know how we got here...yes I do...Gods grace.  I ADORE my husband!  He is amazing.  And Strong.  And wise.  And funny. And patient.  And handsome.  And an OVER THE TOP precious Dad.  And smart.  And loves me...well.  And teaches me and knows all sides of me...and still loves me.  I am blessed!  He loves people who are hurting and loves Jesus.  He believes what Jesus says is true and that makes me trust him so very much.  He wants to lead our family and does it well.  With patience and grace.  He is quiet and simple.  He sees things in black and white.  Things are mostly clear cut to him.  He has become a good communicator and I have learned I need to communicate less :-)  He is awesomeness...

I am a Mom - this too is a role I cherish.  It feels like very Holy Ground.  I have 4 babes.  They are all so different and so wonderful...in short, here they are...

Matthew Josiah - oldest.  Amazing.  Tender.  Adopted domestically.  made me a Mom which makes him so special to me.  Fun.  6 years old.  Adores everything his Dad does.  Still sort of a Momma's boy.  Shy.  Introverted.  Adores his siblings.  Passionate - feels very deeply.  truthful.

Anna Faith - second into the family through biology.  Our first girl.  My first pregnancy.  FULL of life. hilarious.  has an edge (or two) of attitude.  Wonderfully strong.  Maternal.  Big faith. Loves to talk about - everything!  Smart. Whimsical.  Independent.  4 years old

Knox Manning - 3rd to the family.  Adopted through the Foster Care system when he was 1.  Sweet.  Tender. Emotional.  Working hard to "catch up"  from a hard first few years (pre-adoption and some early medical issues).  healthy now!  Has refined me.  Cuddler. Really funny.  Life has not always been kind to him.  Praying he will grow into an OVERCOMER!  I long to be his most safe place where peace reigns.  Adore him.  4 years old

Ellis Elizabeth - the precious 4th (and final) Garrison.   She is a tiny little slice of Gods Shalom.  Seriously.  Peaceful and content is who she is.  She is ADORED by the other 3.  I have never seen anything like it.  They want to eat her up - literally.  She is joyful.  Content.  Sweet. Helpless. Precious.

...and right now, she is crying in her crib.  So, thats it for today.

I want this place to be a journal of my journey...a place my kids, other Moms, other women, other girls can read and maybe just maybe be pointed to the face of Jesus.  To their Father.  A place where I am reminded how big and grand it is that Jesus took and takes me by the hand and said and says "Daughter, Arise..."  I am a daughter to The King...and that really changes everything.  The title of this little spot of ramblings is from my very favorite scripture in the book of Mark where Jesus takes a young girl by the hand and says to her "talitha cumi" which means, "little girl, arise".  When I was a young girl, in a very tangible way, Jesus took me by the hand and said the very same thing.  And so often in my lowest and highest times of my journey, the Lord takes me back to the story of that little girl.  To the story of me...and Him together.  I hear him speak the phrase over and over in my heart, 'Daughter, Arise..."  Arise into life.  Arise into Freedom.  Arise into truth.  Arise into Me.  Arise.