I find myself at times, even for seasons sometimes, wishing I was someone else. Not wishing I was ACTUALLY another person. But wishing different parts of Jesus would be more profound in me. So, I LOVE and value when I get to be around people who are quiet and thoughtful..who always think before they speak and choose their words with incredible wisdom and intention. I love being around people who have an incredibly tender presence about them. A quieted soul if you will. If I am honest, thats just not me. At least not most of the time. I wish I was more like that. I could stand to be a lot more like that.
Heres the truth...I am messy and I am random. I dont know if anyone has ever described me as quiet. I'm passionate. I speak with passion. I mean, I will be the first to tell you how a great song or a delicious meal will "change your life". I feel deeply. I get VERY excited about things and feel VERY strongly about things that have to do with justice. I LOVE talking it out with people and rolling around in deep, passionate discussions. Its just who I am. I have some very rough edges and VERY sadly sometimes those rough edges make me not so easy to deal with. Thats just the ugly truth.
God did a great thing when he had me fall in love with and marry a man who is nothing like me. He is SO thoughtful and quiet and doesn't feel the need for everyone in the room to know exactly where he stands on an issue. He is passionate and feels deeply....but sometimes, I have to tell him to "tell his face" cuz Im just not sure. In constrast, Ill just say he has never wondered what I feel or how strongly I feel it.
So there's all that...and all that has had me thinking lately. I know the right answer...and I know its truth. So I believe it. That God adores me just as I am. That He, in fact, created me for a purpose so I should embrace the passion. I mean, most of the time, we knew EXACTLY where Jesus stood, right? See, I am just trying to be like Jesus.
Okay, back to reality...and the reality is this. I need to be more thoughtful. I need to calm down for the love of goodness. I need to because I need to leave room for God to speak first. There! Thats IT! Thats the issue with my wiring. Sometimes, if I am honest, I think I know what God would say so I just go ahead and say it. Cuz, gosh dang it, it sounds JUST like Him. BUT the truth is that God has a fresh word every day. The truth is, I need to measure my words in all circumstances...even when I am casting a vision or encouraging someone. I need to measure my words in those instances too. Because at the core of me I really KNOW that I have nothing to offer people that comes close to a direct, fresh word from The Living God.
You see, a lot people I love are hurting and sick. A lot of people I love are Orphans and are poor. Lots of people I know are single parents...knocking it out of the park. A lot of people need prayer, need practical help...like NOW! So I get ON IT. I organize and I pray and I rally. Cuz I wanna say something or do something so desperately that will HELP...I mean really ease their suffering. But my passion alone never changed one single thing. When I am allowing my passion to come from God alone, I know its different. It changes realities and perspectives! The truth is this though,
When someone is celebrating, God has something to say about that...
When someone is overjoyed, God has something to say...
When someone is last, and broken, God has something....
When someone is grieving, God....
I dont want to offer people my passion, I want to offer HIS love.
I dont want to offer people my words, I want to point them to His. To the text that is alive and breathing and is filled with REAL hope yall!
I dont want to offer people time with me, I want to see people changed by time with The Holy Spirit who is at work!
And most of all, I dont want someone to EVER walk away from hearing my speak or tell a story and think I am awesome. Because I am a selfish, mess. I want people to walk away from time with me and desire, at their very core, to spend time with Jesus.
A woman named Fanny Crosby wrote the words to one of my favorite songs "Take the World, but Give Me Jesus". She was blind. She said this,
"If I had a choice, I would still choose to remain blind…for when I die, the first face I will ever see will be the face of my blessed Saviour."
I mean for the love of goodness...is that beautiful or what. Instead of going on about how beautiful it is. Ill just say this. That sums up what I feel like God is showing me as I wrestle with sometimes wishing I was more of a "quiet soul". Yes, God made me who I am. Im good with it. It is what it is...and God in His mercy will use me if I am willing...and I am. So lets move on.
But, it is also good that I watch out that I am not casting anyones view upon myself, or my cause, or that I leave them with my many words...but rather that I am casting their vision to one place...to my blessed Saviour!
